im weak yet still stay strong

this past few months that I've been through, some things changed. some things stayed just the way it is.

people see me while I'm smiling but they never see me when my smile faded away.

they see me when I'm laughing so hard but they never see me when my tears took the place of my laughter.

I used to tell myself. "I am a strong girl". but then I realized that I was lying to myself. why do I have to act that I was strong when I was obviously not? STILL. by saying that I'm weak is not helping either.

my friends helped me to find the guts that have been taken away after that incident. I was too afraid to talk because I was afraid to be pushed away.

I have lost the ones I loved because I was afraid to get hurt, fall and nobody will helped me out to stand up again.

why do I have to let the same things happen over and over? I was tired to fall apart and picked up the tiny little pieces of my heart and wait for another "mistake" come and "fix" my heart.

I do regret for the thing that I've done 5 months ago. I always wanted to talk to someone about this confusion that keep on accompany me while I try to sleep.

the memories hold on to me so tight till it's hard for me to let it go. people will ask me why. why. and why. and they left me with an unanswered question. I don't have answers for their questions 'cause I'm confused about myself either.

I kept everything by myself for far too long. I just wanna put away this burden away and walk with a lighter shoulder and be able to smile again. smile that I owned 8 months ago.

having a fantasy about something that won't happen will just add up the unlimited stock of my tears.

I shouldn't be writing this. but I really hope that you didn't read this.

me blablablabla